Lost Too Soon

Before I begin my posts- I want to give credit to the amazing song on this blog tonight. Written and performed by my friend Matt Griffith. I believe that music has the ability to heal. Thank you, Matt, for writing the most beautiful music. It really does help me to heal.

Dear Loreen,
How is it that we often find the courage and motivation to say the things we want to say after it's too late to say them? I'm incredibly regretful that I never took the opportunity to tell you what you mean to me. There were so many times in my life that you were just like a mother to me. I was always welcome in your home and have some of the best memories of sitting at your kitchen table playing games with you and your boys. So many memories of your laugh and good cheer as you styled my hair. I always left your little room feeling so beautiful and happy. You were always so easy to talk to. I could come and see you after months and months and we would just pick up right where we left off. I will NEVER forget the way you would get up and sing "boom chicka boom" every year at girls camp. You are a Junction Stake girls camp legend.

When my sister called me today and told me of your passing I completely lost it. It's hard to remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for us all when something as sudden and unexpected as this happens. You have been taken from us for a reason. Our Father in Heaven has bigger and better plans for you. But the biggest part of me is still selfish. I think of your husband who has lost his sweet companion too early. I think of your youngest boys who are still in high school and serving their mission. I think of your son and his wife who are waiting to welcome a new baby into the family. It overwhelms my heart with sadness. I know that you must be up there hugging and loving that little baby before she comes down to meet her parents.

I love you and your family so much, Loreen. You have meant so much to me throughout my life. You will be missed by so many. Until we meet again, sweet friend.

Missing You Already,
Kim



Grandpa,
13 years ago tomorrow you left this world. I still think about you every day. I miss you so much. I miss walking into the kitchen and seeing you walk around the corner with your bright white socks, plaid dress shirt with pearl button covers, and hearing you say "Heeey, babe. Where's my hug?" I miss sitting on your lap and you giving me the green starlight mints or lifesavers that you always tucked away in your shirt pocket. I miss your big black boots that you kept at the top of the stairs by your kitchen door, the ones you would wear when you would walk the irrigation ditches every day. Most of all I miss your smile. The genuine ear to ear grin you would always give us when we came to visit.

I hate that I can't remember the last thing you said to me. When you got sick, everyone told me that you would be fine. I was scared, but I believed them. I thought you were going to get better and that I would get to see you at the farm again. The last time I saw you, you were almost gone. You were connected to every kind of machine possible and "sleeping". Mom and Dad told me that I needed to come in and say goodbye to you. I don't even know if you heard that last thing I said to you, and that kills me. You are my hero. The most amazing man I've ever known. You did absolutely anything for absolutely anyone who needed it. The perfect definition of service.

Out of all the things I regret about your passing, I regret you not getting to meet my husband the most. I tell him stories about you all the time. He loves you and he hasn't even met you. My kids would love you. They all have your big blue eyes that you've passed down to us all. I wish you were still here. I wish this was one bad dream and I would wake up and be seeing you at Easter. I know I'll get to see you again, I know the blessings of Eternal families. It makes it a little easier, but it still hurts. There is still a hole in my heart that will not be filled until you wrap your arms around me again.

I miss you. Dad misses you. We all do. I know you're serving your heart out up in Heaven. Every time I mess up I wonder if you're watching. I don't ever want to disappoint you. I hope I make you proud. I love you.

Missing you so much,
Kim

My Sweet Valentine

My amazingly handsome and sweet husband,

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I know you may be a little disappointed with the way things turned out, but I wanted you to know that I think it was one of our best yet. I remember the first Valentine's Day we spent together 6 years ago. You and I spent a romantic evening on the golf course with the most AMAZING food. Then there was the year we spent on the floor of our brand new house, eating a pizza while we emptied boxes. We had spent all of our money moving our little family out of the ghetto after a too close incident with a drive by shooting. All we could afford was a pizza. Then there was this year. I know you had the most amazing trip planned for us, and I know how badly it hurt you to have to cancel when we ended up spending those funds to pay off an old bill. But I want you to know, that this Valentine's Day, I felt more love than I have ever possibly felt in my whole life.

After getting up at 2:30 in the morning and spending nearly 12 hours working your butt off to put food on the table and a roof over our head, you rushed to be by my side. I know you were exhausted, but you went on to unload 1600 boxes of Girl Scout cookies from the van and car into a cafeteria. THEN, you helped me sort them into 12 different orders, and loaded each one of those orders into parents vehicles. I have to admit, I was happy to get the help. But it wasn't until my mom pointed out what you had done, that I finally realized just how amazing you are.

Even though it was getting late, and you were tired, you continued to put all of us first. You hopped in the shower and we were off to a dinner with the kids. Hot wings! Not exactly what we had in mind for a romantic dinner, but it was absolutely perfect. You then wanted to make sure that the kids knew how much we love them... at almost 9 o clock at night you rushed to the store to get them the pillow pets they've been drooling over for the last 6 months. Not to mention taking the time to write me the most beautiful and touching message inside my Valentine's Day card. By the time you made it to bed it was nearly 11pm. Only to have to wake up at 8:30 in the morning and drive overnight to Salt Lake.... all because you love us.

I want you to know how much I love you. I have been so incredibly blessed to be your wife for the last 6 years. We've gone through so much, and I feel closer to you now then ever before. Every bump along the road has made us who we are today. Thank you so much for putting so much work into this marriage and never giving up on us. I cannot wait until we able to seal our family together for all time and eternity. You mean the world to me. I love you from the very depths of my soul.

Your Undeserving and loving wife,
Kim

Sick Babies, Sound Effects, and Wiggly Teeth

Little Tanner B,

My sweet baby boy, my heart is aching right now because you are so sick. All of us have had coughs and the sniffles this week and now you have it too. It's hit you particularly hard today. You've had a fever since you woke up and all you want to do is cuddle with mama. I'm certainly not complaining about all the cuddle time you've given me, I just wish it was on better terms. Even when you're sick I can still see your sweet little personality peeking through. You still smile when I tickle your feet, and you're still incredibly jealous of anyone or anything that takes mommy's attention away. Just the other day Gavin was feeling a little sad and wanted to be held. You were playing with your toys just outside the door and once you caught glimpse of Bro Bro sitting in your mommy's lap you started whining and crawled over to the side of the bed begging to get picked up. It's not just brother that you're jealous of... mommy's phone, the wii, the computer mouse. If mommy's looking at anything but you, it better get out of the way! You sure do love your mommy and I love you so much. You brighten my day, every day. I hope you feel better soon my little Tanny B. Sleep well.

Gavy Pants,

God knew what he was doing when he put you in this family. You bring so much laughter and fun into this house. Every day you say or do something that makes everyone crack up. Right now you're busy playing Lego's in the living room, complete with the most amazing sound effects. You sure do love to make noise. The other night after I put you to bed I heard you making explosion noises and assumed you were still awake and playing with your toys. I crept into your room to tell you to go to sleep and there you were, lying fast asleep. You play hard, even in your dreams! I hope you never lose your imagination. I hope you always find ways to make life more exciting and fun! You make me so happy. Even when I get frustrated and grouchy, you always want to "snuggle wuggle" and it always makes the grouchies go away. Thank you for being such a good boy. I love you so much!

Miss Zoey Bagoey,

Today was your first day back at school in almost two weeks. You've been sick with strep throat and then you caught a nasty cold/flu. Your cough is still pretty gnarly but it was your turn to bring snack to school and I should have known you wouldn't miss school today for the world. You've had a rough couple of weeks paying attention in school. Your teacher has sent you home with yellow and red light warnings a few times. It really has surprised us. You've always been so well behaved and we tend to overreact a little when you do misbehave. At first I said that you were grounded... but after we thought about it I decided we needed to reward the good more than punishing the not so good. So I told you if you had a whole week of green days I would take you to get your nails painted on Friday. Your eyes got so big and you were so excited. I'm pretty confident we'll see all greens when you get your report from your teacher on Friday. We are so blessed to have you as our daughter, Zo. You're such a good girl. You hardly ever misbehave and always do what you're told. How did we get so lucky? Right now you are PATIENTLY awaiting your first tooth to wiggle out. Actually, you have four whole loose teeth and your fingers are almost ALWAYS in your mouth. I can't wait to see you with your four front teeth missing. You'll be so cute! I love you, Zoey! I'm so glad that you're my daughter.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

Dear Friends

Dear Friends,

I am so glad that you came by to check out my new blog! I am really really excited about this new blog.
I love to write letters. I feel like it is sort of a lost and forgotten part of communication. Text messaging, emails, facebook and even blogs have limited the way we interact with each other. Sometimes in life my words fail me. The things I mean to say get lost on their way from my brain to my mouth and my shyness (believe it or not I'm totally insecure) stops them from coming out. That's why I like to write.... my fingers, brain and heart all seem to be connected and on the same wave length. I can type and it comes out naturally... easily.... and for some reason without hesitation of being judged.
My main goal for this blog is to write letters to each of the people who touch my life from day to day. Mostly it will be letters to my children. An effort to give us all something we can look back on over the years and remember the little moments that made our life what it is. My children have made me so happy and are my life, but each of you are part of my life as well. So, naturally, many of you will be in the letters as well.
I'm so glad that each of you are a part of my life. My life has been so blessed and I have learned so much from everyone that has come in and out of it over the years. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you will stop by again soon.

Yours Truly,
Kim